Topic: My revenge
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(#1) posted on May 12, 2012. - 18:13
Bluejay275



I will get my revenge on what you put me through. I will find you and then i will kill you. Death is on my side you can't hide from me. You killed some of my family that wasn't so manlee now you will see what i will do to you. I will get my revenge by doing the same to you. So you better have a clue what im going to do. I can be in a car and your in a bar and slam the car in you. You can try to kill me it won't work you put me in so much hurt. So its my turn to put the hurt on you or i can just kill you. I cant live like this i miss my family. Look what you have done to me as you can see you put me in so much pain. Im walking on this road of revenge and im searching for you. You cant escape this you will truely miss your family too. Once im done with them im coming for you. I want your face off this earth. Im in so much hurt. Death won't kill me until i kill you. The reaper is on my side you will truely die tonite. Time to say goodbye. I want to cut your neck and let it bleed this is my deed. Matter of fact i will put a rat in your mouth and let you choke on that.
The Dark One
(#2) posted on May 12, 2012. - 18:25
Zeke



This could be a lot better, I'm sorry. You could've went into more depper detail on death. You made it plain and banal. You could've built on certain idea's. I know you can do better than that. And remember what I told you about organization? Try to use it. Don't be afraid to research some stuff. Trust me, I'm studying to be a Recording Engineer and a Producer. If you were to send me some lyrics like this, I would've instantly told you to do better as I am right now.

So I'm not saying quit. What I am saying, is give it another shot. If you've never lost someone, then it might be hard for you to write about Death. If you've never wanted to commit suicide(kill yourself) or homicide(kill someone), then it may also be hard for you.

Also, the topic of death doesn't have to be so direct. You could use Death to be a metaphor for something else. I may not have too much experience in writing lyrics myself, though, I do know a lot about grammar and music structure.
(#3) posted on May 12, 2012. - 23:56
Zeke



Lyrical break down. Not bad, but once again. It could be better. How old are you and is English your first language?(Not joking, just trying to help) It doesn't seem like a song, it just seems like you're talking.

Quote by Bluejay275
I will get my revenge on what you put me through.


This is not a bad line. It introduces the theme and topic of the song, though, it can be worded better. Something like "Hate is the only thing on my mind" would've done it.

Quote by Bluejay275
I will find you and then i will kill you. Death is on my side you can't hide from me.


Very unpoetical. While it DOES contribute to the story, and is very relevant, it lacks color. Rewording it would've given it a better texture. "I've conquered death and now he's on my side." or something of that matter would've been good.

Quote by Bluejay275
You killed some of my family that wasn't so manlee now you will see what i will do to you.


You don't always have to rhyme, and you don't have to rearrange letters to make a word rhyme. That's very childish and elementary. You could've left "Manly" instead of "manlee".

The phrase itself is very irrelevant to the picture you are trying to paint. You don't need to tell them why you are going to kill this person. Your audience will generally agree to whatever you're saying because you're the one who wrote the song.

Quote by Bluejay275
I will get my revenge by doing the same to you. So you better have a clue what im going to do.


Not bad, but once again, if you didn't make it so banal, it would punch more. You could've added a rhetorical statement like "Who says to wrongs don't make a right?" or "Guess who's coming to kill you?" or something in that matter.

Quote by Bluejay275
I can be in a car and your in a bar and slam the car in you. You can try to kill me it won't work you put me in so much hurt.


Okay, this is great, you're explaining to the person how you're going to kill them. Could've been reworded but at least it adds to the story. "Don't be surprised if I come out of hiding and smash your head into the ground" or something like that. You see how it's different but it contrasts the same idea, right?

Quote by Bluejay275
So its my turn to put the hurt on you or i can just kill you.


"or I can just kill you?" No, this is a song about murder and revenge. You've already made up your mind by taking the first hit, there's no going back now. Now if your character was having a shot revelation about revenge somewhere in the middle of the song, then that's fine. Unfortunately, that doesn't correlate with the rest of what you wrote in the song.

Quote by Bluejay275
I cant live like this i miss my family. Look what you have done to me as you can see you put me in so much pain. Im walking on this road of revenge and im searching for you.


Rewording, though a lot of this is highly irrelevant. We already can assume you miss your family with them being dead, and we already know you're walking on a "road of revenge" just by the song title.

Quote by Bluejay275
You cant escape this you will truely miss your family too. Once im done with them im coming for you. I want your face off this earth. Im in so much hurt. Death won't kill me until i kill you. The reaper is on my side you will truely die tonite. Time to say goodbye. I want to cut your neck and let it bleed this is my deed. Matter of fact i will put a rat in your mouth and let you choke on that.


A lot of this just repeats everything else you've said in the song.

These are not bad lyrics. You could've worded them "better". And you could've added structure instead of having it in the form a paragraph where it just seems like you're listing your feelings about the matter. I'll try to write a song and post it up here for you to see just gimme some time.
(#4) posted on May 13, 2012. - 01:44
Bluejay275



Im going to turn 15 on may 23rd my first language is english
The Dark One
(#5) posted on May 13, 2012. - 02:23
Bluejay275



I thought songs are suppost to rhyme
The Dark One
(#6) posted on May 13, 2012. - 03:35
Zeke



They don't have to. Here's a verse lyrics from a song by Machine Head called "Blood for Blood".

Quote by Machine Head
I bite the hand 'cause this hands feeds off me
Devoid of emotion, it lives to cheat
Ignorance is bliss, and respect I gave you
Friend you did claim this
Too bad you can't speak the truth


Here's another song by Stevie Wonder called "Happy Birthday"
Quote by Stevie Wonder
You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration
Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much we love you
And I'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day you came to be

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday


No rhyming. Though, even within rhyming, sometimes your rhyming doesn't have to be so dead on. Here's a song called "Hotel California" by The Eagles.

Quote by The Eagles
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
(#7) posted on May 13, 2012. - 04:55
Bluejay275



Thanks for helping me but why are u helping me
The Dark One
(#8) posted on May 13, 2012. - 15:20
Zeke



I'm a musician, I like good quality music. Don't forget, it's not about how many songs you can write, it's about how many people can remember.
(#9) posted on May 13, 2012. - 18:04
Bluejay275



Thanks i will remember that
The Dark One

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