Topic: Broken relation.. FIRST CHAPTER
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(#1) | posted on May 29, 2013. 21:08
fathmathsana



"Shari, its been 2yrs since u r thinking of that person who betrayed u for ur best fried. u should also now move on. Don't ruin your life just like that" housekeeper Cheryl says worried. "How can i be okay Cheryl! My life had been so complicated. U said its been 2yrs since I'm like this. But its been 10yrs since he betrayed me and staying in front of my eyes. How can I move on? U tell me!" Shari says crying. "I can understand your feelings Shari but..." While Shari's one of the closest friend came in and interrupted " Hi Shari. Long time no see. Hope u r good as usual" "Hi Josh! so nice to see u. Its been 5yrs since we haven't met".
Because of Shari's gloominess Josh knew something was wrong and he asked..
"Should we go out today Shari. U know! to our favorite coffee shop nearby here. I'd luv to drink a cup of coffee from there. Will u go with me?" "Oh yeah! Of course Josh i did even luv to. Just coming withing 5mins. Wait!" Shari came changing her dress and went out with Josh.
"Shari, what's the prob with u dude? When i met u before going to Malaysia u were so active and funny. But now u r totally change. Would u like to tell me?" josh tried to know what has happened with Shari and than after a moment Shari began to cry. "Hey Shari! Why r u crying? uh..Wait wait! maybe we can go there and talk". Josh pointed to a tree and went there to talk. "Now tell me what exactly has happened to u!?!" Than Shari started to tel her story.
"It was just only 1 month after u left Canada when me and Sosce started a relation. He was really kind to me. But within one night our whole relation was broken...shattered. One night when me, Sosce and my best friend Katherine went to a picnic we were having great fun. That night, when Katherine and Sosce went to check if there was a room available in the hotel. Well, they got one room..only one room ad after that...when it started to become a lil bit late i went inside and checked where were the 2 of them. I even asked the receptionist and she said that,"Madam and sir went upstairs to their room. no:400" "thank u" I replied back. hen i climbed the staircase to the 13floor as the lift was broken. When i entered the room no:400 i saw that Sosce and Rose were having sex. They ruined my life. They betrayed me. After that i had never wanted to see their faces again. Like that the early 10yrs passed by." Explaining all that Shari again started to cry. "Shari please please dont cry. U know I wont like u crying. And u even know that I luv u. And i thought that i would confess my feelings to u as soon as i come. But i didn't thought that u would be n a condition like this. Please baby! don't cry. I think we should go to your home for now. Right?" "(Shari nods her head)Okay lets go" Than they both walked to Shari's home. After that Josh gave Shari a little bit of encouraging advices and planned to meet the next day.
I want to be in the dark,
so no one will underestimate me.
(#2) | posted on June 1, 2013. 02:09
beyond99



WOW
Look beyond wat u see
(#3) | posted on June 1, 2013. 10:19
fathmathsana



Thankx lol
I want to be in the dark,
so no one will underestimate me.
(#4) | posted on June 4, 2013. 13:30
Low



Looks like a bunch of jumble. Please define paragraphs clearly. Giving a line inbetween does not hurt. Not just that, the dialogues could go in seperate lines as well.
Overall, restructering would increase the appeal by over 50%.

As for the grammer, I wont even go there.

The story; while your sense of direction is outstanding, the randomness is mind blowingly....random. Like....a friend you meet for the first in 5 years comes in, and without saying much else like Hi Hello, what a surprise or a notion like that, its straight to coffee. lol
Really liked the story though. Commendable effort. I can never write something like this. I get bored way too easily.
(#5) | posted on June 4, 2013. 13:37
fathmathsana



thankx for some of those great comments. nd i'll try to make the paragraphs seperatble. thankx again.
I want to be in the dark,
so no one will underestimate me.
(#6) | posted on June 4, 2013. 18:41
newakatsuki



Sad......but hilarious
Life is all about Pain and depression
(#7) | posted on June 7, 2013. 23:30
fathmathsana



WAT! wats there to be hilarious anyway?
nd thankx
I want to be in the dark,
so no one will underestimate me.
(#8) | posted on June 9, 2013. 14:54
Obito303



gud......
(#9) | posted on June 9, 2013. 21:41
fathmathsana



thankx Obito
I want to be in the dark,
so no one will underestimate me.
(#10) | posted on June 11, 2013. 19:38
Obito303



welcome

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